Aha!

School is starting tomorrow [actually today... 2 hours] ! I am so excited! I will be able to make a few friends. I also will be able to start a fresh start in learning. I'll be sure to pay attention daily, for I may be able to LEARN daily. Very excited [:


My friends think its silly to be but, that is not my concern.

Soooooooooooooooooooooo



This blog is getting very boring. I think its about time to DELETE it.
Nothing is happening on her and I get no kind of money for it. such a waste of time.

So.... It seems like.... I remembered something from before. DONT JUDGE ME.



But when I was 8 I tried to baptize my barbies and my 2 pet mice.

One almost drowned >.>




Uhmmmm yeahhhhhh...


Okay *coughcough* bye.

o.o

o.o

SO!


I havent updated for a while, because I've been sooooo darn busy.

Welp, Schools been out for some time and.... well..... YAYE!

I leave tomorrow at 12am. Friday NICK OF THE HOUR!!!! [:


I get to make a new friend named Alison. Lol. She's Flip I suppose.


Should be fun. Lol. Since she's bunking with Mary and I.... the two most privileged girls in our troop. Considering Mary's Mother just so happens to be our troop "leader" and My cousin...


AND that I just so happen to be elected president, vice president or treasurer since I've been IN girls scouts.... what is it... 11 years now? [:


Well, cant deny my leadership skills are very polished. MAN will this look sooooooo sexy on my College apps and resumes!!!! [:
AND not to mention my job resumes! YAY I set up a good look for myself.


Well. Because of my VARIOUS showouts of dedication.... I get to do WHAT I WANT... WHEN I WANT. ohhh boy, and we get the big room. [: yummy.




Well dont worry guys, I promise to behave on this trip. For the most part. Im DEFINITELY going to abuse my powers x10. Im going to wait for someone to ask for something and when they all say NO! Im going to just go do it. and SMILE IN JESSICAS FACE~o.o!!!! MUAHHAHA . ahem I mean. HER face. noone in particular..... >.> <.< >.>


Mehh welp, mary just left and will be back at 8 am.... and its 1 am now. soooo Im going to sleep. now.

[: James Baldwin the NEGRO CHILD

I really enjoy this writing by James Baldwin.

A Talk to Teachers Oct. 16, 1963 (I believe... I'm not sure of the year.)

But it's very inspiring. Please look into it. Its not just for blacks or people of color. It doesnt have to be applied to just race. Its more of ANY type of stereotyping. You know. I use it for the stereotype of being an avid lover of God. What people call a "Jesus freak" Which I find VERY rude.



And they may say that but I'm not the stereotype they made up... I'm me!

And if they say I am that and are incorrectly judging me... how can I be sure they are WHO they say they are. I cant. So there's some type of issue here. maybe they're describing themselves, trying to place blame.

The best reading in my knowledge of history:
"So where we are now is that a whole country of people believe I’m a _______, and I don’t , and the battle’s on! Because if I am not what I’ve been told I am, then it means that you’re not what you thought you were either! And that is the crisis."

okayyy!

2nd to last day and im so darn tired. I bought 2 red bulls to get me through these two days lol. so you can imagine that Im PUMPED to get it over with. Well. I have ONE test today. Just my japanese to finish up. Also, I have to present my video, which doesnt require me there Lol.


Tomorrow I have to do my 3rd period final for Science. lol.


Hmm... Funny that I mention that class. because the book is due today.

[:

Okay, only 3 days left of school. Luckily I completed 3 of my finals. and started 1.



I have to finish them soon. [:

I did my trig analysis exam which I most likely ACED! [:

That's right. I went above and beyond. That thing I was talking about before. I went past expectations. I cant wait till my mom gets home to tell her how proud I am of myself.


I also completed my Modern World History Exam, I realized I got 3 questions wrong but YET AGAIN ACED!


For the third final it was completed and is being edited, to be turned in and watched by the WHOLE class on monday. Exciting. I hope its excellent.


And my Japanese final was pretty easy so far, I did about half of it. I need to finish the rest by monday. Then on tuesday I have to complete my Environmental Science exam. Totally ACED. Tomorrow I have just my first and fourth period exams, which happen to be Piano and Fashion Design. If you know me as I hope you all do.... Im VERY passionate about the piano. ^^ Infact Mj and I are composing a Song. Its coming along nicely. On the other hand. I LOVE fashion. I STAND for fashion. God put me here to help the poor souls find their fashion sense as well as his greatness. [:

He put me here to make something of myself. I feel as though my education is going well. He's proud Im sure. [:

Welp. Gotta go study my japanese and fashion.

SENIOR [:

So! Today I take my senior pictures. Hm EXCITED MUCH?! Yes I am.



Im a Senior now. Also after this week I only have monday and tuesday to go to school. Yayes.




Im super ready for my finals. Im about to super study my book for my test. Bye <3

Boyyyy, Oh BOY!

Today was amazingly fun! It was a mini girls day, plus one guy. Who shall not be named. o.o



Anywhoo! I was with Ate Myrrh, Ate Tina and ahemm. The boy...


So's we went to yami yami, and some other place that isnt important enought to remember the name. Though I had some awesome gyoza from there. [: I think it was Wasabi. Im not sure.

Tomorrow is graduation, OHHHH mann. This will be crazy, because most of my friends are graduating, Im going to get sooooo teary. [: But that's okeyyz.



Saturday BBs, and Sunday Church hopefully. If Aaron wont mind taking meh. HINT HINT!! XD <====== Blah Blah I need a ride sunday... Ermm, Soon Exams are coming, Im prepared. Recording for one tomorrow. Eeeek! Sundresses and all black, OH MY!!

Well, be back laters'z!

Yay.

As of today its just 12 days left. (including today!!)


I cant WAIT til this week is over because then it will be just 7 days!! [:

W00t. School time was fun, but summer is EVEN better. I get to spend it with my friends and my associates. No more working, no more school work... best of all. LATE NIGHT!!!! NO SLEEPING!!!! AND NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO rules! I love summer. My mom doesnt care WHAT I do or WHERE I go! As long as I ask of course. I'll be sure to use my freedom wisely. >.>


So its 6:35 am.... Bus comes at 7:00am....



Should I quickly nap?

Nahh, But idk whattt to do....


Dad just called to remind me about July 24-26. [:


Myrtle Beach!!

Cant she learn?

I just dont understand. No yes I do. She's not happy about my change. I dont really know how to feel; but as of now. I dont careee.



I sometimes have feelings of anger still but today proved my anger doesnt reach any dangerous levels. I just simply replied to her, may I add... 4 text messages in a row, with an "Oh... I see."

She always gets ten times of crazy and just to get my way, or win, I get twenty times of crazy, yelling cussing, and being just soooooo greasy. But today, the me I wanted to be, shown through. I simply said. "Oh I see." Picked up the phone, called her and talked to her of course.

But as I text her "You're not worthless, I never said that, but being around you can be overwhelming. Though take into thought that you;re the only person I tried to help
'Get right with God.' "
I dont feel angry at her for yelling, only that she insults God in such a way. Its not even ABOUT ME. Nothing is about me.


I feel too insulted that a supposed best friend does not like my new connection with God Almighty.

My INSIGNIFICANT friend, doesnt like my connection with GOD ALMIGHTY.

Humph. The nerve. She's lucky I found patience. So lucky. As am I.


This is the easiest way to relieve anger before it boils over. I found my release. Ughh, I used to just talk with bias people who I knew would take MY side. Just so I could bash people and feel good about myself. But now I dont want that, I just with to avoid conflict.

It feels bad living rightous and watching other people live so dry. So wrong. Lord help me.

Refreshed or What?

I want so SSSSSSCREAM! SHOUT SO LOUD!!! YIPPIE! I just feel so randomly happy. But at the same time Im so upset.

School is over for the week! Thats amazingly good because that means YOUTH GROUPS BBS//

When I told my classmates I coulnd twork on the project this weekend because I had Bible study they just giggled. One called me cute. And I appriciate that. really. but uhm... poor dear.


The other laughed at me. And I only replied with "we'll see who's laughing it up when God's judgement day comes..."
And she just laughed some more. Poor girls.

At lunch Chris Crampton, my ex crush, and also my close friends ex boyfriend, called me a nerd for loving Bible study. I told him it wasnt funny and he needed God. What does that rude fellow say?

"You over there 'praiiiiiise the lord!'"

Of course I have a shocked expression. "Not to pass judgement on you Chris but you're going DOWN."

"I DONT CARE" He says. He doesnt CARE?! Well he should!! Goodness. When I tell him I dont drink, smoke or fornicate, he praises me. But when I tell that I go to bible study like nobody's business.... he laughs? This poor fellow even hates his own race. How can I get through to him?


Why is it that If Im so precious, and on the right path. People are laughing!
Are people really so ignorant?


Oh dear. Anyways besides that Im estatic about BBS this weekend. [: It WILL be fufilling.

Boy do I have a Verse to share with Lizelle and the girlies [:

But that's a secret, I'll share later after saturday!

Hmm. Im afraid that I wont be able to pay for college. See, we have the money but, My mother wants to keep it for after college so that I have a secured future. Thats all bean and gravy but... How will I pay for college then If my 'rents dont pay? IM NOT PAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE.


Uh -Uh NO WAY JOSE!~

>:[ mehhh. Anyways..

Thank you God for bringing me this far, or rather , helping me to stay sane.

Sometimes its easy!

Today... Oh today. Was it glorious indeed.


I was able to get my classwork done in Trigonometry!

Unfortunately for me, I realized my project for my AP Language class is due the day of finals...

DUN DUN DUNN. Which I believe is June 15. For that class at least.

I need to record scenes constructed by moi. Let us hope I remember to ask people this weekend for help. I need actors. >.> HAHA That's what youth groups are for! Kidding.
I hope that I can get through all of my finals quick and stable. I don't want to fail a class because of some dumb final. I've been spending a lot of time praising and praying, and no time with my face in the books. >.<

I need to start studying. Ughh. I really don't see it necessary, but I don't want to fail.

It's funny how people think I'm not as smart as I am because of my appearance. They probably perceive that I do bare minimum in my classes, and that I take just what is required of me. What they don't know is that I take the most difficult of classes for some people, but for me... they are like putting icing on a cake. It's difficult, until the icing hits the warmth of the cake. Then you can smooth it over so easy that you friends around you will wonder with great jealousy how you did it so gracefully.

None of my concern is to as such, for it comes easy. I have no problem doing the work that is given to me, but figuring out my goals are never easy. Therefore, I only whine over my final grades. While they are almost always just decent, making scores that the upperclassmen in the class make, I wish for more. I thirst to make top marks. I do not wish to take those classes and not go far. If I am to take a class that is advanced, I wish not to be JUST on the level of a senior, who decide to do their bare minimum. I wish to go far and beyond, to make scores that will cause my descendants cheer in their grave. I hunger for approving smiles and jealous glares of my teachers and peers.

Nothing feeds me more than proving someone wrong, except my love for goodwill and the Lord, of course. And I speak that with wide curves, but they are tight from any persons perspective. Because of course, I don't wish to prove those who have faith in me wrong. I want to do them justice. Do myself Justice.



By now you are wondering, why does she not behave this way all the time?

It's simple. I'm a funloving person, I like to be everywhere at once and nowhere at all. I like to run, jump, shout, and scream. I like to annoy and pester, help and advise. I'm just decent. Only human, and not a perfectionist. I fear the monotonous vibes that I sometimes feel.

I merely would enjoy my grades and expectations at best.

Quick thought.!!

I feel like I'm a little baby walking through the snow. My father in front of me and each footprint is a big jump for me to follow in his footsteps. His shoes are indeed TOO big to fill. Yet I just barely make the jumps. With room to grow into his shoe size. I follow willingly and devoted to him. I will never purposefully bite the hand that nourishes me and committed the most loving act just for me. When I do, my heart pains and I feel as though I have failed him. But knowing I am forgiven. That is wonderful in itself.

So...

I had fun today. It went by super fast. Considering I didnt go yesterday!


I couldnt find my book, but now I have found it. I need to read it though, maybe I will after this post. My hair is sooo oily. Should I wash it. Errrhm. Yeah. Will I? Maybe tomorrow morning, I dont have time. Showering soon! Maybe in a few.


I feel like I forgot to write about ME. [: //


I will though soon. Oii.

The ME I need to write about is for a class assignment that I happen to be absent for yesterday. But I had a note so my teacher is allowing me to do it. !! YATTA~

Anyways, Im so hyper from this sweet tea. thats okay though. It's oiishiiiiiiii~!


Well. Ja Ne!

Quick update!!

UWAH!!~

My mother was away for training! She went to Mississippi!

Now she is on her way home! SHE'S IN MARYLAND!


私はうれしいとゆかたです。　　＜０－０＞　Mahaha!

私はねむいです、でも。。。

Oh!　ちょっとまってください。



～ぢんぐーどんぐ～




Uwahhh! She just came home in the middle of my blog! She brought me A 300 DOLLAR NECKLACE FROM BAILEY BANKS AND BIDDLE!


And a really cute shirt.


WAAAAAA! I love my mommy!

Thank the LORD for giving me a great mommy.

God & I

Well. Can I just start by saying, GOODNESS. God Loves me!

He sent his only.... ONLY son, who died for my sins, so that I may be forgiven.

How gracious is that? Im not even worthy of it! Im so grateful for him being our savior.

My prayers always seem to come true, and I know God is listening. He never fails me.

Possibly because I am his child. I know being raised into the catholic religion may have altered my path to begin with and sooooo I did indeed lose my way. I can admit, I was one of the bad "seeds" that you always hear about on the news. God found me and brought me to the wonderful group of people I spend my every day communicating with. I said before that I have come a very long way, in a previous blog. But now I know that... before when I called for God to help me. That's the help I recieved. He helped me fix my life up, and CONTINUE to fix it. My anger is one of the only things I believe could use some work. I can at least try harder. It hurts me to know I sin and Im so undeserving of God's graces.


It pains me more that other people who dont even know what's coming for them when judgement day comes. I dont want that to happen to all my friends, hopefully they hear me when i try to call to their selves.


Hopefully I will see my dearest ones on the other side. And if not, they would be getting their just.


Ehhhmm. Lord Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I can only imagine how much you love me and care. I wish to be more like you. I love you, and Im so grateful for the everydays you allow me to live healthy, even in sickness. I know that I am how I deserve. Im glad just still being able to breath. Though that when it is my time to die. I wish to go knowing that you will not tell me... "I do not know you" I can only imagine how much that would hurt. I was told about it, but I still, can only imagine. You that I have claimed to love and share bonds with. You rejecting me and my love. Im right with you. I want to stay right with you. I want to have you in everything that I do, say, eat. Everywhere I go. I want to live faithful to you. Having you in my life.

Thank You.

Confused.

Lately life is getting much harder for me. I feel that it's at a stand still of some sort. I feel so worn out. School is becoming too much for me as days go on. The days seem so much longer. I dont like the way it feels. I think about to tomorrow and I try to imagine what I will be doing but I cannot. I can only figure out general things. I think this break is just what I need. Sometimes I want to take myself out of society but that is a very permanent solution for a temporary issue. Im not crazy just, so lonely. Even though I spend ample time with everyone, I feel like Im not with the people I want to be with. Even though I am. I dont know what I should think anymore. Life seems like it's going to get so much harder when I take on more responsibility. I feel like I want to get things done but they just arent happening! I cant even get insurance for my car. What kind of crap is that?!! Where is God when I need him... right beside me. And I keep telling myself that, and every time I get more confused. I want to lay back and let him guide me, but at the same time I want to have everything planned out. I want security. I cant find it in planning because I cant seem to figure things out. I want to talk to my mom about life. But I cant connect to her. I want to talk to someone who's more... serious but still in my age range. I dont see how this is going to work out. I want to just sit for a day and plan out everything. Right now all I can think about is my summer. If I look any further into my future... my heart starts to rip, and my eyes fill themselves with tears. I dont want to end up in a ditch or in jail or sued. I want to live healthy, I dont need to be rich just.... comfortable. A fair sized living space. Whatever god gives me is fine. I just want to be set. The work it takes to get there is no problem I will do it. I just need to know what I need to do.

Easter

Its crazy how time is flying. It feels like not long ago that I made this blog.


At the same time... I feel as though Spring Break is taking to long. I feel out of touch with friends. Im very excited to get to school. I wonder what changes I will see in everyone, I know 14 days wasnt very long but if my hair color has changed... wouldn't other people be making changes as well. Thats what happens when we teenagers have too much time on our hands. [:


I met a boy. He's so cute. Haha. But I still like someone else, alot. Its awkward for me to carry on single but taken. I feel like my feelings shouldn't stray from that one person but its apparent that i will like other people. Its a given.


Though, I will try to stay focused; that sounded like he's a job or mission.


I went shopping today. NEW EASTER DRESS and a cute little Jacket. I was thinking of wearing the necklace I have with it, but I may try some others that I have, and put a cute touch to it. I also had to deal with a friends mess. ughhh. Im trying not to be in it but she is dragging me in. Now that I think about it... I was supposed to call her back but I sort of forgot. TeeHee. Calling now. Bye.

Oh yeah, I love bunnies [:

Here I've made time to update. Life is very confusing. I dont know what I should do at times. Ill be back to update when I know what to write about.

Reunited.

~and it feels so good.



So I talked to my former best friend for a very long time. We shared some laughs. It was fun.

Memories are indeed trickling back to me. I do miss our adventures, but I'd rather be a good person. I know influence isnt much of an excuse but it's all I can tell myself at night that helps me become better. I've stated before that I have come a long way. I dont want to throw away all my progress by becoming friends with someone who behaves the way I DO NOT want to be seen. It's very embarrassing that my own mother cannot trust us together, for me at least.

But either way, Im happy we talked today.


In other spiraling events...

My ankle hurts more, but... I was offered a brace that is nearly invisible. [: I can deal with that.
School was trifiling today. Like always.


I love how things always get under my skin, but today nothing happened. It was frustrating being treated like I was a cripple. I seriously can walk, it hurts but I dont need any help doing things. I feel very distant when people treat me like I cant do things alone. Heh, I think I can write my own warmup. My ANKLE is hurt, not my hand. Dont... treat me like a baby.

Besides that mess, I love life.

Someone said to a group as a whole that, "Life should be a struggle, then you know you're living for God."
Or something along the lines of that. [:

Imperfection

There's an issue at hand. Imperfection. Its slightly perfect, I'm telling you. I like how I am, but you don't? Should I care... not really. Do I? Completely. I'm not sure why I do, but every time... it's back to you. My life is where I want it to be, for now at least. I'm not happy with who I am, but I cant take so much change at once. You think you understand me, just because you've been around me for a simple time. Its not enough to think, for a second you can press your views on me. I seriously have NEVER been so upset of such a little matter. My heart is crying but I do not tear. My body aches but my ground is stood. I will not flee into the direction you wish I did. I will continue forth with my daily routine. As how things should be. Without your garrulous opinion. Spoken so commonly. Humph. Please, don't make me giggle.

And remember... "It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others." Joseph Addison. <3

Life.

I would like to start off with how my life has changed.


It's become more abstract over the past week or so,
much has changed but little has effect me so dearly as what
I'm ready to bring upon myself.

I'm almost sure that my new hobbies will keep me from trouble. It seems that I do need someone to keep me leveled. That's usually the position of my best friends, and boyfriend. Though at this moment, things are pretty monotonous. I don't have a boyfriend, only my few best friends. I love them dearly. I would definitely take bullets for them; I would do just about anything for them.

At this point in time I do believe that one of them may do the same for me. Whenever I'm upset I can time when she will call me, and how many times... until I answer that is.
I always have her to depend on, she nearly always pulls through.

I must apologize for running off on a tangent. I tend to do that.
Yet it is very difficult for me to stay focused when I become happy at heart and mind.
My current hobbies overwhelm me; I'm filled with joyous emotions. My heart throbs and beats as I talk with my new friends. I do enjoy them fully, even when we pretend to argue or dislike one another. It seems that my life has turned around for the better; most plenty of time I have said that, this is the only time it is spoken in truth so far. I hope it stays a healthy life. I can remember when I would "party hardy" and just be all around a wild child, yet now I realize I can have fun without doing awful things, and without arguing.

I just have to be mindful of the minutely effective arguments- picking my battle isn't easy, yet I must.

Please know that what I am about now is nothing of ill-nature. I'm merely a human being- a young woman who is not yet ready for the world- with feelings. Will you not guide me by the hand, hold me with your arms, listen to me with a kind ear, and love me with your whole heart?
In return I shall cherish you, not just now, but forever.

Requisite- My Fatal Attraction

This blog is my first on this site. Im just getting a feel of it; its quite delectable. I think Im going to stick to this site...


I like the look of the font Im using, and as I think more into that very statement, I think of my five senses. When something appeals to one of them, I try to take it in more. Such wonderful taste and smells.

Just the other day at work, I was doing what AppleBee's calls "busting" a table... the smell of the cleaning liquid appealed to my delicate nose. I leaned in closer, as to not seem noticeable, it was a new kind of smell, yet familiar. I went back to my hostess stand and sniffed the cloth again. I mean not to seem preternatural or uncouth, but my adenoids couldn't get enough of the aroma.

When my favorite song plays, I press repeat and listen ten times over. Its just that simple for me. I have a sample of it, I like it, I want it, I have it. Don't you?


To me it is the same, whether Im smelling or eating. If I love the feel of something, should not my body want more of it? My urge to have such a wonderful feel like soft, worn cotton, or my best friend, Tina's comforter. Most people, and Im generalizing when I type this, do not even talk of this subject as in depth as I am now. Indeed they pick at it, a simple "What a wonderful smell," here or a "Yummmm!" there. Yet we should all wonder at times "Don't you also feel the way I do?" Well, Im telling you, if you ask or not, I am also as human as you. I also have obsessions, cravings, and an devilish and ghoulish sweet tooth. Enough to make one quiver in my wake. I eat pounds of chocolate on top of chocolate, candy piles at a time. My dentist visit is quite ubiquitous. While they would tell the child to brush 2-3 times a day, sending him home with a lollipop and a goodie bag, Its natural that Im told to brush 4-5. My name is widely know there and at the doctors office, sniffing where my nose should not be. Making myself sick from becoming dizzy, smelling sharpies and alcohol without knowing the damage of course.

See... it seems uncanny, yet these habits are anticipated. Some cravings just span wider than others. But, isn't that well known?