Confused.

Lately life is getting much harder for me. I feel that it's at a stand still of some sort. I feel so worn out. School is becoming too much for me as days go on. The days seem so much longer. I dont like the way it feels. I think about to tomorrow and I try to imagine what I will be doing but I cannot. I can only figure out general things. I think this break is just what I need. Sometimes I want to take myself out of society but that is a very permanent solution for a temporary issue. Im not crazy just, so lonely. Even though I spend ample time with everyone, I feel like Im not with the people I want to be with. Even though I am. I dont know what I should think anymore. Life seems like it's going to get so much harder when I take on more responsibility. I feel like I want to get things done but they just arent happening! I cant even get insurance for my car. What kind of crap is that?!! Where is God when I need him... right beside me. And I keep telling myself that, and every time I get more confused. I want to lay back and let him guide me, but at the same time I want to have everything planned out. I want security. I cant find it in planning because I cant seem to figure things out. I want to talk to my mom about life. But I cant connect to her. I want to talk to someone who's more... serious but still in my age range. I dont see how this is going to work out. I want to just sit for a day and plan out everything. Right now all I can think about is my summer. If I look any further into my future... my heart starts to rip, and my eyes fill themselves with tears. I dont want to end up in a ditch or in jail or sued. I want to live healthy, I dont need to be rich just.... comfortable. A fair sized living space. Whatever god gives me is fine. I just want to be set. The work it takes to get there is no problem I will do it. I just need to know what I need to do.

Easter

Its crazy how time is flying. It feels like not long ago that I made this blog.


At the same time... I feel as though Spring Break is taking to long. I feel out of touch with friends. Im very excited to get to school. I wonder what changes I will see in everyone, I know 14 days wasnt very long but if my hair color has changed... wouldn't other people be making changes as well. Thats what happens when we teenagers have too much time on our hands. [:


I met a boy. He's so cute. Haha. But I still like someone else, alot. Its awkward for me to carry on single but taken. I feel like my feelings shouldn't stray from that one person but its apparent that i will like other people. Its a given.


Though, I will try to stay focused; that sounded like he's a job or mission.


I went shopping today. NEW EASTER DRESS and a cute little Jacket. I was thinking of wearing the necklace I have with it, but I may try some others that I have, and put a cute touch to it. I also had to deal with a friends mess. ughhh. Im trying not to be in it but she is dragging me in. Now that I think about it... I was supposed to call her back but I sort of forgot. TeeHee. Calling now. Bye.

Oh yeah, I love bunnies [:

Here I've made time to update. Life is very confusing. I dont know what I should do at times. Ill be back to update when I know what to write about.

Reunited.

~and it feels so good.



So I talked to my former best friend for a very long time. We shared some laughs. It was fun.

Memories are indeed trickling back to me. I do miss our adventures, but I'd rather be a good person. I know influence isnt much of an excuse but it's all I can tell myself at night that helps me become better. I've stated before that I have come a long way. I dont want to throw away all my progress by becoming friends with someone who behaves the way I DO NOT want to be seen. It's very embarrassing that my own mother cannot trust us together, for me at least.

But either way, Im happy we talked today.


In other spiraling events...

My ankle hurts more, but... I was offered a brace that is nearly invisible. [: I can deal with that.
School was trifiling today. Like always.


I love how things always get under my skin, but today nothing happened. It was frustrating being treated like I was a cripple. I seriously can walk, it hurts but I dont need any help doing things. I feel very distant when people treat me like I cant do things alone. Heh, I think I can write my own warmup. My ANKLE is hurt, not my hand. Dont... treat me like a baby.

Besides that mess, I love life.

Someone said to a group as a whole that, "Life should be a struggle, then you know you're living for God."
Or something along the lines of that. [:

Imperfection

There's an issue at hand. Imperfection. Its slightly perfect, I'm telling you. I like how I am, but you don't? Should I care... not really. Do I? Completely. I'm not sure why I do, but every time... it's back to you. My life is where I want it to be, for now at least. I'm not happy with who I am, but I cant take so much change at once. You think you understand me, just because you've been around me for a simple time. Its not enough to think, for a second you can press your views on me. I seriously have NEVER been so upset of such a little matter. My heart is crying but I do not tear. My body aches but my ground is stood. I will not flee into the direction you wish I did. I will continue forth with my daily routine. As how things should be. Without your garrulous opinion. Spoken so commonly. Humph. Please, don't make me giggle.

And remember... "It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others." Joseph Addison. <3

Life.

I would like to start off with how my life has changed.


It's become more abstract over the past week or so,
much has changed but little has effect me so dearly as what
I'm ready to bring upon myself.

I'm almost sure that my new hobbies will keep me from trouble. It seems that I do need someone to keep me leveled. That's usually the position of my best friends, and boyfriend. Though at this moment, things are pretty monotonous. I don't have a boyfriend, only my few best friends. I love them dearly. I would definitely take bullets for them; I would do just about anything for them.

At this point in time I do believe that one of them may do the same for me. Whenever I'm upset I can time when she will call me, and how many times... until I answer that is.
I always have her to depend on, she nearly always pulls through.

I must apologize for running off on a tangent. I tend to do that.
Yet it is very difficult for me to stay focused when I become happy at heart and mind.
My current hobbies overwhelm me; I'm filled with joyous emotions. My heart throbs and beats as I talk with my new friends. I do enjoy them fully, even when we pretend to argue or dislike one another. It seems that my life has turned around for the better; most plenty of time I have said that, this is the only time it is spoken in truth so far. I hope it stays a healthy life. I can remember when I would "party hardy" and just be all around a wild child, yet now I realize I can have fun without doing awful things, and without arguing.

I just have to be mindful of the minutely effective arguments- picking my battle isn't easy, yet I must.

Please know that what I am about now is nothing of ill-nature. I'm merely a human being- a young woman who is not yet ready for the world- with feelings. Will you not guide me by the hand, hold me with your arms, listen to me with a kind ear, and love me with your whole heart?
In return I shall cherish you, not just now, but forever.

Requisite- My Fatal Attraction

This blog is my first on this site. Im just getting a feel of it; its quite delectable. I think Im going to stick to this site...


I like the look of the font Im using, and as I think more into that very statement, I think of my five senses. When something appeals to one of them, I try to take it in more. Such wonderful taste and smells.

Just the other day at work, I was doing what AppleBee's calls "busting" a table... the smell of the cleaning liquid appealed to my delicate nose. I leaned in closer, as to not seem noticeable, it was a new kind of smell, yet familiar. I went back to my hostess stand and sniffed the cloth again. I mean not to seem preternatural or uncouth, but my adenoids couldn't get enough of the aroma.

When my favorite song plays, I press repeat and listen ten times over. Its just that simple for me. I have a sample of it, I like it, I want it, I have it. Don't you?


To me it is the same, whether Im smelling or eating. If I love the feel of something, should not my body want more of it? My urge to have such a wonderful feel like soft, worn cotton, or my best friend, Tina's comforter. Most people, and Im generalizing when I type this, do not even talk of this subject as in depth as I am now. Indeed they pick at it, a simple "What a wonderful smell," here or a "Yummmm!" there. Yet we should all wonder at times "Don't you also feel the way I do?" Well, Im telling you, if you ask or not, I am also as human as you. I also have obsessions, cravings, and an devilish and ghoulish sweet tooth. Enough to make one quiver in my wake. I eat pounds of chocolate on top of chocolate, candy piles at a time. My dentist visit is quite ubiquitous. While they would tell the child to brush 2-3 times a day, sending him home with a lollipop and a goodie bag, Its natural that Im told to brush 4-5. My name is widely know there and at the doctors office, sniffing where my nose should not be. Making myself sick from becoming dizzy, smelling sharpies and alcohol without knowing the damage of course.

See... it seems uncanny, yet these habits are anticipated. Some cravings just span wider than others. But, isn't that well known?