I just dont understand. No yes I do. She's not happy about my change. I dont really know how to feel; but as of now. I dont careee.
I sometimes have feelings of anger still but today proved my anger doesnt reach any dangerous levels. I just simply replied to her, may I add... 4 text messages in a row, with an "Oh... I see."
She always gets ten times of crazy and just to get my way, or win, I get twenty times of crazy, yelling cussing, and being just soooooo greasy. But today, the me I wanted to be, shown through. I simply said. "Oh I see." Picked up the phone, called her and talked to her of course.
But as I text her "You're not worthless, I never said that, but being around you can be overwhelming. Though take into thought that you;re the only person I tried to help
'Get right with God.' "
I dont feel angry at her for yelling, only that she insults God in such a way. Its not even ABOUT ME. Nothing is about me.
I feel too insulted that a supposed best friend does not like my new connection with God Almighty.
My INSIGNIFICANT friend, doesnt like my connection with GOD ALMIGHTY.
Humph. The nerve. She's lucky I found patience. So lucky. As am I.
This is the easiest way to relieve anger before it boils over. I found my release. Ughh, I used to just talk with bias people who I knew would take MY side. Just so I could bash people and feel good about myself. But now I dont want that, I just with to avoid conflict.
It feels bad living rightous and watching other people live so dry. So wrong. Lord help me.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Refreshed or What?
I want so SSSSSSCREAM! SHOUT SO LOUD!!! YIPPIE! I just feel so randomly happy. But at the same time Im so upset.
School is over for the week! Thats amazingly good because that means YOUTH GROUPS BBS//
When I told my classmates I coulnd twork on the project this weekend because I had Bible study they just giggled. One called me cute. And I appriciate that. really. but uhm... poor dear.
The other laughed at me. And I only replied with "we'll see who's laughing it up when God's judgement day comes..."
And she just laughed some more. Poor girls.
At lunch Chris Crampton, my ex crush, and also my close friends ex boyfriend, called me a nerd for loving Bible study. I told him it wasnt funny and he needed God. What does that rude fellow say?
"You over there 'praiiiiiise the lord!'"
Of course I have a shocked expression. "Not to pass judgement on you Chris but you're going DOWN."
"I DONT CARE" He says. He doesnt CARE?! Well he should!! Goodness. When I tell him I dont drink, smoke or fornicate, he praises me. But when I tell that I go to bible study like nobody's business.... he laughs? This poor fellow even hates his own race. How can I get through to him?
Why is it that If Im so precious, and on the right path. People are laughing!
Are people really so ignorant?
Oh dear. Anyways besides that Im estatic about BBS this weekend. [: It WILL be fufilling.
Boy do I have a Verse to share with Lizelle and the girlies [:
But that's a secret, I'll share later after saturday!
Hmm. Im afraid that I wont be able to pay for college. See, we have the money but, My mother wants to keep it for after college so that I have a secured future. Thats all bean and gravy but... How will I pay for college then If my 'rents dont pay? IM NOT PAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE.
Uh -Uh NO WAY JOSE!~
>:[ mehhh. Anyways..
Thank you God for bringing me this far, or rather , helping me to stay sane.
School is over for the week! Thats amazingly good because that means YOUTH GROUPS BBS//
When I told my classmates I coulnd twork on the project this weekend because I had Bible study they just giggled. One called me cute. And I appriciate that. really. but uhm... poor dear.
The other laughed at me. And I only replied with "we'll see who's laughing it up when God's judgement day comes..."
And she just laughed some more. Poor girls.
At lunch Chris Crampton, my ex crush, and also my close friends ex boyfriend, called me a nerd for loving Bible study. I told him it wasnt funny and he needed God. What does that rude fellow say?
"You over there 'praiiiiiise the lord!'"
Of course I have a shocked expression. "Not to pass judgement on you Chris but you're going DOWN."
"I DONT CARE" He says. He doesnt CARE?! Well he should!! Goodness. When I tell him I dont drink, smoke or fornicate, he praises me. But when I tell that I go to bible study like nobody's business.... he laughs? This poor fellow even hates his own race. How can I get through to him?
Why is it that If Im so precious, and on the right path. People are laughing!
Are people really so ignorant?
Oh dear. Anyways besides that Im estatic about BBS this weekend. [: It WILL be fufilling.
Boy do I have a Verse to share with Lizelle and the girlies [:
But that's a secret, I'll share later after saturday!
Hmm. Im afraid that I wont be able to pay for college. See, we have the money but, My mother wants to keep it for after college so that I have a secured future. Thats all bean and gravy but... How will I pay for college then If my 'rents dont pay? IM NOT PAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE.
Uh -Uh NO WAY JOSE!~
>:[ mehhh. Anyways..
Thank you God for bringing me this far, or rather , helping me to stay sane.
Sometimes its easy!
Today... Oh today. Was it glorious indeed.
I was able to get my classwork done in Trigonometry!
Unfortunately for me, I realized my project for my AP Language class is due the day of finals...
DUN DUN DUNN. Which I believe is June 15. For that class at least.
I need to record scenes constructed by moi. Let us hope I remember to ask people this weekend for help. I need actors. >.> HAHA That's what youth groups are for! Kidding.
I hope that I can get through all of my finals quick and stable. I don't want to fail a class because of some dumb final. I've been spending a lot of time praising and praying, and no time with my face in the books. >.<
I need to start studying. Ughh. I really don't see it necessary, but I don't want to fail.
It's funny how people think I'm not as smart as I am because of my appearance. They probably perceive that I do bare minimum in my classes, and that I take just what is required of me. What they don't know is that I take the most difficult of classes for some people, but for me... they are like putting icing on a cake. It's difficult, until the icing hits the warmth of the cake. Then you can smooth it over so easy that you friends around you will wonder with great jealousy how you did it so gracefully.
None of my concern is to as such, for it comes easy. I have no problem doing the work that is given to me, but figuring out my goals are never easy. Therefore, I only whine over my final grades. While they are almost always just decent, making scores that the upperclassmen in the class make, I wish for more. I thirst to make top marks. I do not wish to take those classes and not go far. If I am to take a class that is advanced, I wish not to be JUST on the level of a senior, who decide to do their bare minimum. I wish to go far and beyond, to make scores that will cause my descendants cheer in their grave. I hunger for approving smiles and jealous glares of my teachers and peers.
Nothing feeds me more than proving someone wrong, except my love for goodwill and the Lord, of course. And I speak that with wide curves, but they are tight from any persons perspective. Because of course, I don't wish to prove those who have faith in me wrong. I want to do them justice. Do myself Justice.
By now you are wondering, why does she not behave this way all the time?
It's simple. I'm a funloving person, I like to be everywhere at once and nowhere at all. I like to run, jump, shout, and scream. I like to annoy and pester, help and advise. I'm just decent. Only human, and not a perfectionist. I fear the monotonous vibes that I sometimes feel.
I merely would enjoy my grades and expectations at best.
I was able to get my classwork done in Trigonometry!
Unfortunately for me, I realized my project for my AP Language class is due the day of finals...
DUN DUN DUNN. Which I believe is June 15. For that class at least.
I need to record scenes constructed by moi. Let us hope I remember to ask people this weekend for help. I need actors. >.> HAHA That's what youth groups are for! Kidding.
I hope that I can get through all of my finals quick and stable. I don't want to fail a class because of some dumb final. I've been spending a lot of time praising and praying, and no time with my face in the books. >.<
I need to start studying. Ughh. I really don't see it necessary, but I don't want to fail.
It's funny how people think I'm not as smart as I am because of my appearance. They probably perceive that I do bare minimum in my classes, and that I take just what is required of me. What they don't know is that I take the most difficult of classes for some people, but for me... they are like putting icing on a cake. It's difficult, until the icing hits the warmth of the cake. Then you can smooth it over so easy that you friends around you will wonder with great jealousy how you did it so gracefully.
None of my concern is to as such, for it comes easy. I have no problem doing the work that is given to me, but figuring out my goals are never easy. Therefore, I only whine over my final grades. While they are almost always just decent, making scores that the upperclassmen in the class make, I wish for more. I thirst to make top marks. I do not wish to take those classes and not go far. If I am to take a class that is advanced, I wish not to be JUST on the level of a senior, who decide to do their bare minimum. I wish to go far and beyond, to make scores that will cause my descendants cheer in their grave. I hunger for approving smiles and jealous glares of my teachers and peers.
Nothing feeds me more than proving someone wrong, except my love for goodwill and the Lord, of course. And I speak that with wide curves, but they are tight from any persons perspective. Because of course, I don't wish to prove those who have faith in me wrong. I want to do them justice. Do myself Justice.
By now you are wondering, why does she not behave this way all the time?
It's simple. I'm a funloving person, I like to be everywhere at once and nowhere at all. I like to run, jump, shout, and scream. I like to annoy and pester, help and advise. I'm just decent. Only human, and not a perfectionist. I fear the monotonous vibes that I sometimes feel.
I merely would enjoy my grades and expectations at best.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Quick thought.!!
I feel like I'm a little baby walking through the snow. My father in front of me and each footprint is a big jump for me to follow in his footsteps. His shoes are indeed TOO big to fill. Yet I just barely make the jumps.
With room to grow into his shoe size. I follow willingly and devoted to him. I will never purposefully bite the hand that nourishes me and committed the most loving act just for me. When I do, my heart pains and I feel as though I have failed him. But knowing I am forgiven. That is wonderful in itself.
With room to grow into his shoe size. I follow willingly and devoted to him. I will never purposefully bite the hand that nourishes me and committed the most loving act just for me. When I do, my heart pains and I feel as though I have failed him. But knowing I am forgiven. That is wonderful in itself.
So...
I had fun today. It went by super fast. Considering I didnt go yesterday!
I couldnt find my book, but now I have found it. I need to read it though, maybe I will after this post. My hair is sooo oily. Should I wash it. Errrhm. Yeah. Will I? Maybe tomorrow morning, I dont have time. Showering soon! Maybe in a few.
I feel like I forgot to write about ME. [: //
I will though soon. Oii.
The ME I need to write about is for a class assignment that I happen to be absent for yesterday. But I had a note so my teacher is allowing me to do it. !! YATTA~
Anyways, Im so hyper from this sweet tea. thats okay though. It's oiishiiiiiiii~!
Well. Ja Ne!
I couldnt find my book, but now I have found it. I need to read it though, maybe I will after this post. My hair is sooo oily. Should I wash it. Errrhm. Yeah. Will I? Maybe tomorrow morning, I dont have time. Showering soon! Maybe in a few.
I feel like I forgot to write about ME. [: //
I will though soon. Oii.
The ME I need to write about is for a class assignment that I happen to be absent for yesterday. But I had a note so my teacher is allowing me to do it. !! YATTA~
Anyways, Im so hyper from this sweet tea. thats okay though. It's oiishiiiiiiii~!
Well. Ja Ne!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Quick update!!
UWAH!!~
My mother was away for training! She went to Mississippi!
Now she is on her way home! SHE'S IN MARYLAND!
私はうれしいとゆかたです。 ＜０－０＞ Mahaha!
私はねむいです、でも。。。
Oh! ちょっとまってください。
～ぢんぐーどんぐ～
Uwahhh! She just came home in the middle of my blog! She brought me A 300 DOLLAR NECKLACE FROM BAILEY BANKS AND BIDDLE!
And a really cute shirt.
WAAAAAA! I love my mommy!
Thank the LORD for giving me a great mommy.
My mother was away for training! She went to Mississippi!
Now she is on her way home! SHE'S IN MARYLAND!
私はうれしいとゆかたです。 ＜０－０＞ Mahaha!
私はねむいです、でも。。。
Oh! ちょっとまってください。
～ぢんぐーどんぐ～
Uwahhh! She just came home in the middle of my blog! She brought me A 300 DOLLAR NECKLACE FROM BAILEY BANKS AND BIDDLE!
And a really cute shirt.
WAAAAAA! I love my mommy!
Thank the LORD for giving me a great mommy.
God & I
Well. Can I just start by saying, GOODNESS. God Loves me!
He sent his only.... ONLY son, who died for my sins, so that I may be forgiven.
How gracious is that? Im not even worthy of it! Im so grateful for him being our savior.
My prayers always seem to come true, and I know God is listening. He never fails me.
Possibly because I am his child. I know being raised into the catholic religion may have altered my path to begin with and sooooo I did indeed lose my way. I can admit, I was one of the bad "seeds" that you always hear about on the news. God found me and brought me to the wonderful group of people I spend my every day communicating with. I said before that I have come a very long way, in a previous
blog. But now I know that... before when I called for God to help me. That's the help I recieved. He helped me fix my life up, and CONTINUE to fix it. My anger is one of the only things I believe could use some work. I can at least try harder. It hurts me to know I sin and Im so undeserving of God's graces.
It pains me more that other people who dont even know what's coming for them when judgement day comes. I dont want that to happen to all my friends, hopefully they hear me when i try to call to their selves.
Hopefully I will see my dearest ones on the other side. And if not, they would be getting their just.
Ehhhmm. Lord Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I can only imagine how much you love me and care. I wish to be more like you. I love you, and Im so grateful for the everydays you allow me to live healthy, even in sickness. I know that I am how I deserve. Im glad just still being able to breath. Though that when it is my time to die. I wish to go knowing that you will not tell me... "I do not know you" I can only imagine how much that would hurt. I was told about it, but I still, can only imagine. You that I have claimed to love and share bonds with. You rejecting me and my love. Im right with you. I want to stay right with you. I want to have you in everything that I do, say, eat. Everywhere I go. I want to live faithful to you. Having you in my life.
Thank You.
He sent his only.... ONLY son, who died for my sins, so that I may be forgiven.
How gracious is that? Im not even worthy of it! Im so grateful for him being our savior.
My prayers always seem to come true, and I know God is listening. He never fails me.
Possibly because I am his child. I know being raised into the catholic religion may have altered my path to begin with and sooooo I did indeed lose my way. I can admit, I was one of the bad "seeds" that you always hear about on the news. God found me and brought me to the wonderful group of people I spend my every day communicating with. I said before that I have come a very long way, in a previous
blog. But now I know that... before when I called for God to help me. That's the help I recieved. He helped me fix my life up, and CONTINUE to fix it. My anger is one of the only things I believe could use some work. I can at least try harder. It hurts me to know I sin and Im so undeserving of God's graces.It pains me more that other people who dont even know what's coming for them when judgement day comes. I dont want that to happen to all my friends, hopefully they hear me when i try to call to their selves.
Hopefully I will see my dearest ones on the other side. And if not, they would be getting their just.
Ehhhmm. Lord Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I can only imagine how much you love me and care. I wish to be more like you. I love you, and Im so grateful for the everydays you allow me to live healthy, even in sickness. I know that I am how I deserve. Im glad just still being able to breath. Though that when it is my time to die. I wish to go knowing that you will not tell me... "I do not know you" I can only imagine how much that would hurt. I was told about it, but I still, can only imagine. You that I have claimed to love and share bonds with. You rejecting me and my love. Im right with you. I want to stay right with you. I want to have you in everything that I do, say, eat. Everywhere I go. I want to live faithful to you. Having you in my life.
Thank You.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Confused.
Lately life is getting much harder for me. I feel that it's at a stand still of some sort. I feel so worn out. School is becoming too much for me as days go on. The days seem so much longer. I dont like the way it feels. I think about to tomorrow and I try to imagine what I will be doing but I cannot. I can only figure out general things. I think this break is just what I need. Sometimes I want to take myself out of society but that is a very permanent solution for a temporary issue. Im not crazy just, so lonely. Even though I spend ample time with everyone, I feel like Im not with the people I want to be with. Even though I am. I dont know what I should think anymore. Life seems like it's going to get so much harder when I take on more responsibility. I feel like I want to get things done but they just arent happening! I cant even get insurance for my car. What kind of crap is that?!! Where is God when I need him... right beside me. And I keep telling myself that, and every time I get more confused. I want to lay back and let him guide me, but at the same time I want to have everything planned out. I want security. I cant find it in planning because I cant seem to figure things out. I want to talk to my mom about life. But I cant connect to her. I want to talk to someone who's more... serious but still in my age range. I dont see how this is going to work out. I want to just sit for a day and plan out everything. Right now all I can think about is my summer. If I look any further into my future... my heart starts to rip, and my eyes fill themselves with tears. I dont want to end up in a ditch or in jail or sued. I want to live healthy, I dont need to be rich just.... comfortable. A fair sized living space. Whatever god gives me is fine. I just want to be set. The work it takes to get there is no problem I will do it. I just need to know what I need to do.
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