God & I

Well. Can I just start by saying, GOODNESS. God Loves me!

He sent his only.... ONLY son, who died for my sins, so that I may be forgiven.

How gracious is that? Im not even worthy of it! Im so grateful for him being our savior.

My prayers always seem to come true, and I know God is listening. He never fails me.

Possibly because I am his child. I know being raised into the catholic religion may have altered my path to begin with and sooooo I did indeed lose my way. I can admit, I was one of the bad "seeds" that you always hear about on the news. God found me and brought me to the wonderful group of people I spend my every day communicating with. I said before that I have come a very long way, in a previous blog. But now I know that... before when I called for God to help me. That's the help I recieved. He helped me fix my life up, and CONTINUE to fix it. My anger is one of the only things I believe could use some work. I can at least try harder. It hurts me to know I sin and Im so undeserving of God's graces.


It pains me more that other people who dont even know what's coming for them when judgement day comes. I dont want that to happen to all my friends, hopefully they hear me when i try to call to their selves.


Hopefully I will see my dearest ones on the other side. And if not, they would be getting their just.


Ehhhmm. Lord Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I can only imagine how much you love me and care. I wish to be more like you. I love you, and Im so grateful for the everydays you allow me to live healthy, even in sickness. I know that I am how I deserve. Im glad just still being able to breath. Though that when it is my time to die. I wish to go knowing that you will not tell me... "I do not know you" I can only imagine how much that would hurt. I was told about it, but I still, can only imagine. You that I have claimed to love and share bonds with. You rejecting me and my love. Im right with you. I want to stay right with you. I want to have you in everything that I do, say, eat. Everywhere I go. I want to live faithful to you. Having you in my life.

Thank You.

Confused.

Lately life is getting much harder for me. I feel that it's at a stand still of some sort. I feel so worn out. School is becoming too much for me as days go on. The days seem so much longer. I dont like the way it feels. I think about to tomorrow and I try to imagine what I will be doing but I cannot. I can only figure out general things. I think this break is just what I need. Sometimes I want to take myself out of society but that is a very permanent solution for a temporary issue. Im not crazy just, so lonely. Even though I spend ample time with everyone, I feel like Im not with the people I want to be with. Even though I am. I dont know what I should think anymore. Life seems like it's going to get so much harder when I take on more responsibility. I feel like I want to get things done but they just arent happening! I cant even get insurance for my car. What kind of crap is that?!! Where is God when I need him... right beside me. And I keep telling myself that, and every time I get more confused. I want to lay back and let him guide me, but at the same time I want to have everything planned out. I want security. I cant find it in planning because I cant seem to figure things out. I want to talk to my mom about life. But I cant connect to her. I want to talk to someone who's more... serious but still in my age range. I dont see how this is going to work out. I want to just sit for a day and plan out everything. Right now all I can think about is my summer. If I look any further into my future... my heart starts to rip, and my eyes fill themselves with tears. I dont want to end up in a ditch or in jail or sued. I want to live healthy, I dont need to be rich just.... comfortable. A fair sized living space. Whatever god gives me is fine. I just want to be set. The work it takes to get there is no problem I will do it. I just need to know what I need to do.

Easter

Its crazy how time is flying. It feels like not long ago that I made this blog.


At the same time... I feel as though Spring Break is taking to long. I feel out of touch with friends. Im very excited to get to school. I wonder what changes I will see in everyone, I know 14 days wasnt very long but if my hair color has changed... wouldn't other people be making changes as well. Thats what happens when we teenagers have too much time on our hands. [:


I met a boy. He's so cute. Haha. But I still like someone else, alot. Its awkward for me to carry on single but taken. I feel like my feelings shouldn't stray from that one person but its apparent that i will like other people. Its a given.


Though, I will try to stay focused; that sounded like he's a job or mission.


I went shopping today. NEW EASTER DRESS and a cute little Jacket. I was thinking of wearing the necklace I have with it, but I may try some others that I have, and put a cute touch to it. I also had to deal with a friends mess. ughhh. Im trying not to be in it but she is dragging me in. Now that I think about it... I was supposed to call her back but I sort of forgot. TeeHee. Calling now. Bye.

Oh yeah, I love bunnies [:

Here I've made time to update. Life is very confusing. I dont know what I should do at times. Ill be back to update when I know what to write about.

Reunited.

~and it feels so good.



So I talked to my former best friend for a very long time. We shared some laughs. It was fun.

Memories are indeed trickling back to me. I do miss our adventures, but I'd rather be a good person. I know influence isnt much of an excuse but it's all I can tell myself at night that helps me become better. I've stated before that I have come a long way. I dont want to throw away all my progress by becoming friends with someone who behaves the way I DO NOT want to be seen. It's very embarrassing that my own mother cannot trust us together, for me at least.

But either way, Im happy we talked today.


In other spiraling events...

My ankle hurts more, but... I was offered a brace that is nearly invisible. [: I can deal with that.
School was trifiling today. Like always.


I love how things always get under my skin, but today nothing happened. It was frustrating being treated like I was a cripple. I seriously can walk, it hurts but I dont need any help doing things. I feel very distant when people treat me like I cant do things alone. Heh, I think I can write my own warmup. My ANKLE is hurt, not my hand. Dont... treat me like a baby.

Besides that mess, I love life.

Someone said to a group as a whole that, "Life should be a struggle, then you know you're living for God."
Or something along the lines of that. [:

Imperfection

There's an issue at hand. Imperfection. Its slightly perfect, I'm telling you. I like how I am, but you don't? Should I care... not really. Do I? Completely. I'm not sure why I do, but every time... it's back to you. My life is where I want it to be, for now at least. I'm not happy with who I am, but I cant take so much change at once. You think you understand me, just because you've been around me for a simple time. Its not enough to think, for a second you can press your views on me. I seriously have NEVER been so upset of such a little matter. My heart is crying but I do not tear. My body aches but my ground is stood. I will not flee into the direction you wish I did. I will continue forth with my daily routine. As how things should be. Without your garrulous opinion. Spoken so commonly. Humph. Please, don't make me giggle.

And remember... "It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others." Joseph Addison. <3

Life.

I would like to start off with how my life has changed.


It's become more abstract over the past week or so,
much has changed but little has effect me so dearly as what
I'm ready to bring upon myself.

I'm almost sure that my new hobbies will keep me from trouble. It seems that I do need someone to keep me leveled. That's usually the position of my best friends, and boyfriend. Though at this moment, things are pretty monotonous. I don't have a boyfriend, only my few best friends. I love them dearly. I would definitely take bullets for them; I would do just about anything for them.

At this point in time I do believe that one of them may do the same for me. Whenever I'm upset I can time when she will call me, and how many times... until I answer that is.
I always have her to depend on, she nearly always pulls through.

I must apologize for running off on a tangent. I tend to do that.
Yet it is very difficult for me to stay focused when I become happy at heart and mind.
My current hobbies overwhelm me; I'm filled with joyous emotions. My heart throbs and beats as I talk with my new friends. I do enjoy them fully, even when we pretend to argue or dislike one another. It seems that my life has turned around for the better; most plenty of time I have said that, this is the only time it is spoken in truth so far. I hope it stays a healthy life. I can remember when I would "party hardy" and just be all around a wild child, yet now I realize I can have fun without doing awful things, and without arguing.

I just have to be mindful of the minutely effective arguments- picking my battle isn't easy, yet I must.

Please know that what I am about now is nothing of ill-nature. I'm merely a human being- a young woman who is not yet ready for the world- with feelings. Will you not guide me by the hand, hold me with your arms, listen to me with a kind ear, and love me with your whole heart?
In return I shall cherish you, not just now, but forever.